Helping your Daughter Manage Time
Introduction
“It is time to go.” “We are all waiting.” “You are going to be late to school!” If words such as these have crossed your lips (as they do multiple times in my house), you are not alone. Helping our daughters understand and manage time is more complicated than it seems. I remember sighs of relief as I pulled up to the school to drop off my daughter. Whew! We made it!
In this blog, I want to expand on some ideas from the Be On Her Side Podcast Episode 4. First, I want to discuss the typical development of time awareness and then explore some “do more” ideas and some “do less” ideas. Please note, as we mentioned in the podcast, when a girl has ADHD, the challenges with organization, time management, and planning become even more complex and often reflect norms from earlier ages. The key is not whether or not your daughter is “acting her age” but recognizing where she is and planning proactive and reactive ways to support her.
The Adolescent Brain
As humans, we are not born with the ability to understand the passage of time and judge how long something will take or truly how to prepare for the future. Remember when our daughters were preschoolers? The idea of “yesterday” was so hard for them! It also took time to begin to understand how long a minute, second, or an hour was! In early elementary school, children learn to start thinking more abstractly - to think more about ideas rather than in concrete physical events. During this time, children learn to estimate, sequence, and predict time.
Unfortunately, this understanding of time is greatly affected by individual biology, such as our ability to pay attention, use our memory, or the ability to regulate emotions. Teens are still developing an understanding of time and often are very focused on the present moment. This is why it is so hard to get them to plan ahead or to realize they will be late. Their brains are so flooded; they just can’t think about much beyond their current state. It is not until about age 25 that our ability to judge/estimate/understand time is better formed. Plus we are all so different; some people never truly master understanding time. That is why we have to schedule time to plan and rely on calendars and organized friends! So, the lesson here for me is that our daughters are not trying to frustrate us or being lazy about time. Their brains simply are not equipped yet to be good at planning. So, stay patient and keep helping them practice (I say to myself).
Ways to Support Your Daughter
Scenario 1: Your middle school daughter has trouble waking up on time, organizing the morning routine, and getting to school on time without having a big blow-up with you.
Do more:
1. Determine the steps of the morning routine. Task analysis, as we say in the teaching world, is breaking a task down to its most basic steps. Often, we tell kids to go “get ready” when they don't know what “get ready means.” In task analysis, we break a task down into its parts. For example, the morning routine could look like this:
#1 wake up at 6:45.
#2 get dressed at 6:50.
#3 go downstairs by 7:00 and spend 10 minutes waking up while sitting on the couch.
#4 when the timer goes off, go eat breakfast.
#5 take your dishes to the sink and put them in the dishwasher.
#6 go brush your teeth.
#7 fill your water bottle,
#8 make sure you have everything you need before you go out the door. #9 leave the house by 7:25 AM.
2. Make sure you have time to talk through these steps with your daughter and get her input into the steps. For example, you could say something like…. “Here are the steps that I determined for the morning routine. Did I get these right?” “What else would you add, and what would you subtract?” By talking with your daughter, this establishes buy-in into the routine. I also find that if I “get things wrong,” this gives our daughters a bit more confidence. (It shifts the power as kids get older).
3. Consider making the steps visual. The more modalities, the better! We know that people remember more when they can see it, hear it, and do it! Some kids like using their phones or iPads to have the steps and check them off. Sometimes, kids need a whiteboard that is visible to all with boxes to check off with a dry erase marker. Some kids need the steps set to song or movement. Younger kids often respond to an electronic visual timer (search the internet for a visual timer) or timers that show sand going through a device (like an old-fashioned egg timer). The more you can empower your daughter to do these steps, the more she will internalize them and the less she will need the visual support. Remember, behavior change is a bit messy at first, but stay consistent and positive. Also, it is okay if your daughter hates the sound of timers or the idea of timers…..find then another way. The trick is to find what works, and one size does not fit all.
4. When you first start the task analysis in the morning routine, realize that the first couple of steps will go better than the last few steps. Don't expect perfection right away; make sure to praise any steps that are done correctly. This, of course, also means that we adults have to be organized enough to know the steps and be consistent every day in doing these steps. Maybe concentrate on the first couple steps and then gradually add more. Perhaps have your daughter give you steps and then compare your check marks after the routine. Be patient – the first couple of tries are rarely 100% successful.
Do less:
Nag less. Sometimes, you can record yourself during the morning routine. When you play back the recording, you may notice that you have repeated the same message over and over. If I find myself saying the same thing three or more times, that means that my voice is less effective. The more you say it, the more chances kids have to tune you out. That is a natural response!
Make sure you use variety in the way you say directions. If you say the same thing over and over again and you're not seeing any change, stop saying that- consider changing the way you say it. Also, consider the important first step of getting attention first. We all have had the experience of talking to someone on their phone who says yes but really did not hear the question.
Scenario 2: Your high school daughter has a big project due in three weeks. She has not started the project and seems anxious about it.
Do more:
Talk to your daughter about how she wants to handle the project. If your daughter is open to talking to you about her worries, be curious about why she is worried and how she would like you to help her.
Use a calendar. When people have trouble understanding time, making time visible is often a good strategy. Print out a calendar and note the day that the assignment is due. Next, break the assignment down into parts and put those small-part “due dates” on the calendar too. Often, teachers will do this ahead of time to help students understand all the components. Use backward mapping to plan which part of the assignment will be done on which day. Make sure you ask your daughter how you can help her achieve these milestones. Often using someone like a friend in a study group or a tutor helps take pressure off the mother-daughter relationship.
Incentives may be necessary. Anyone who dismisses this idea should just go to work without getting paid! Every person is motivated by different things, and it's important that your daughter feels invested in the plan. So, use something that motivates her, whether that is earning a special treat or privilege. Just picking the dinner menu motivates some! Get her used to rewarding herself after small victories. The Pomodoro Method says that we focus for 25 minutes and then reward ourselves with a 5-minute break. This helps some people stay focused. My husband used to argue with me about this, saying, “Sit there until it is all done.” This is not very motivating and can backfire. Instead, teach small work sessions so that your brain does not fight you on completing tasks!
Ask yourself if your daughter has too much on her plate. This is something that I am working on with myself and all of my kids. We are too busy. High school is an extremely busy time, and there are some things that just don’t matter. We push ourselves way too hard. Work with your daughter to see if she has too many activities to be calm when she works. Remember, more is not always more! Give yourself permission to let your daughter have some downtime. Having time to exercise, go outside, or talk to a friend is important too. Let something go!
For more on helping your daughter evaluate choices and set goals, listen HERE to the discussion that Margaux, Vince, and I had about goal setting.
