Let Her Develop Social Discernment
I am grateful for some amazing female friendships that began in childhood and remain strong today. I am also thankful for some deep friendships that have developed in adulthood. Making friends in adulthood is complex, especially as a mom. In addition to encountering someone I’d like to befriend, many other factors affect building and sustaining friendships, such as time, values, life stage, physical proximity, and family. Social dynamics from childhood and adolescence, like shared interests, risk-taking, acceptance, and rejection, are still present.
It might be tempting to express approval or disapproval of your daughters' choice of friends. However, what they need above all else is a coach or mentor as they navigate the stages of friendship. In this article, I will summarize a framework for understanding the development of friendship skills, how you can productively draw upon your own experiences, and some practical ways to support your daughter, whether you like them or not.
Note that I am not referring to situations where your daughter is being bullied or has a toxic friend. Look out for internalized pain manifesting as self-loathing, anxiety, depression, self-harm, or disordered eating. Get involved when your daughter’s safety is a concern. Your primary function is to keep your daughter safe.
STAGES OF FRIENDSHIP
Step back and take the long view of your daughter’s future friendships. You want your daughter to have a healthy, independent social life. You want her to be able to identify and ward off a social parasite or discern an antisocial agenda and stay grounded in her beliefs. You want her to be able to make new friends, let go of others, and have new adventures with friends. How does she get there?
Psychologists Selman and Schultz (1990) explained that there are five stages that friendships go through for kids at approximate ages, beginning with playtime in childhood and progressing to emotional intimacy in the teen years. This may help you compare your daughter’s experiences with developmental norms.
Momentary Playmates between ages 3 and 7 are kids who live nearby, have fun playing together, and do similar things. Children assume others think and feel like them because they do not yet have the cognitive ability to see things from others’ perspectives. “She’s not my friend anymore because she…” has a new interest or different opinion.
One-way Assistance is a pragmatic stage of friendship between ages 4 and 9. Kids care a lot about having friends, and a friend is someone who can give them something or do something for them. They put little thought into what they offer to a friend and may tolerate not-so-nice behavior to keep a friend. “I’m not going to be your friend anymore if… you invite her to your party” or “don’t give me your cookie.”
Two-way Fairweather Cooperation emerges when kids are between 6 and 12 years old and develop perspective-taking. Fairness and reciprocity are important, meaning one person does something nice for the other and expects something in return. Kids can be rigid and judgemental of themselves and friends at this stage. While they can understand their own and another’s perspective at a single point in time, they have difficulty seeing the big picture. “No one will like me if you don’t let me … like everyone else.” Smaller friendship groups based on shared interests develop in this stage; jealousy and concern to fit in emerge. Cooperation is required to navigate the rules and norms of group membership.
Intimate, Mutually Shared Relationships form in the preteen to early teen years. Marked by shared interests and genuine care for each other’s happiness, these friends confide thoughts and feelings with one another. They don’t keep score. Girls, more so than boys at this stage, begin to develop emotional intimacy in friendship, making friendships deeper, more volatile, and more fragile at the same time.
Mature Friendships emerge in middle school and continue into adulthood. At this stage, kids place a high value on friends. Trusting each other and appreciating differences between themselves and their friends means friends are less possessive of one another. Emotional closeness can sustain periods of separation and individuals’ growth and changes.
REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDSHIP DEVELOPMENT
Who did you think of in your childhood as you read these stages? Did you wonder what ever happened to a specific person or sit for a moment and reminisce? Maybe you had recollections of trading cards or collectibles with a neighborhood friend. Did a girl come to mind that you used to “do everything with” at a point in time?
Writing this, I also remembered struggling with self-confidence and self-esteem in middle and high school, shifting group membership in search of the most comfortable fit. I remember feeling close to some of the girls I danced with in elementary school, and once I quit in 6th grade, we didn’t see each other. I remember sharing “inside jokes” at school with some of the girls who were also on my rec tennis team. These were all normal highs and lows on the journey to the mature friendships that I treasure today.
After Lisa and I recorded the podcast on not liking your daughter’s friends, I recalled my parents asking lots of questions and imposing tighter limits when I wanted to spend time with friends that they didn’t like. They relayed disapproval with stern expressions or dismissive comments. I didn’t like their attempts to curb my independence by trying to influence my choice of friends. I was safe (mostly), and so, like most normal adolescents, I scoffed and resisted their control. While I acted like I didn’t care what they thought, I still desired their approval, and their reactions ultimately influenced my choices.
Likewise, your daughter likely desires your approval and looks to you for guidance in navigating friendships. Consider your role as a mentor or coach, helping her build skills, discernment, and confidence with the long-term goal of being able to make and maintain positive, secure friendships.
BE RESPONSIVE, NOT DIRECTIVE
Whether you like or do not like your daughter’s friend does not relate to her feeling less pain or more joy in her journey to find her people. Here are a few ways to support your daughter regardless of your opinion of her friends.
Do: Communicate often about expectations and family rules. Name the limits and consequences. These may be financial, time, or geographical boundaries. Be consistent in upholding these boundaries. Ambiguity in the home undermines your child’s ability to make decisions.
Do: Encourage and provide opportunities to make new connections such as teams, activities, and new environments. Give them opportunities to discover not only what they enjoy but also meet kids with interests similar to theirs.
Do: Coach them to become self-aware and reflective. Their bodies are like barometers for emotional and physical safety. Be curious about what they experience in their bodies when they are with their friends, including their thoughts and feelings. Wonder aloud what they notice about their heart rate, breathing, and posture with different people and across different settings.
Friendships are extremely valuable for our daughters. They already have enough to navigate without managing your feelings about their friends. They need your trust, not your influence or stories. For some girls, connecting with like-minded peers and making friends takes longer. If you are concerned about your daughter's development, consult with her pediatrician.
