Helping your Daughter through Disappointment
INTRODUCTION
Dealing with disappointment is always challenging. I will never forget that awful feeling as I was told I was moving away from my beloved boyfriend or when I realized that I was being left out of a sleepover. Ugh. I would not return to those experiences and feel that pit in my stomach again. But, as hard as those disappointments were for me, it is even worse when I watch my child get disappointed. Seeing our kids get a lower grade than they wanted or being bullied by the cool kids in school STINKS.
We all know that our daughters will have disappointments. Sometimes, these disappointments will break your heart – often, we want to have them avoid disappointment and protect them from all negative emotions. But is this healthy? The first heartache, the first rejection from a sports team, or the first rejection from a desired college are experiences that surround a normal developmental process. If we always try to prevent our daughters from feeling any discomfort, they will never learn how to handle the natural downshifts in life. How do we help our daughter when she feels defeated or is so disappointed? First, let’s look at the developmental stages that our daughters go through and how feelings of disappointment link to their stage of life.
DISAPPOINTMENT AT DIFFERENT AGES
Disappointments originate from different typical developmental challenges. In middle school, as Dr. Margaux Brown referenced in the podcast, our daughters are wrestling with how they compare with their peers and what they are “good at.” You may see your daughter changing how she dresses or acts to fit in with her 6th, 7th, and 8th-grade peers. You might also see her struggling to determine which group she fits into. This is normal… she is trying to discover who she is. At this stage, our daughters can experience disappointment when their friend group changes or when everyone on snapmaps is somewhere they are not. They also notice at this age who reaches puberty first and has the “best body.” They can focus on a love interest too. Do the people they like reciprocate? If not, why? Girls at this stage can hide from you in their rooms, complain incessantly to you, or ignore your questions and concerns. Sometimes, girls at this stage can also start exhibiting cutting or self-mutilation, extreme dieting, or overexercising. Be on the lookout and seek help if you suspect these behaviors.
As young girls approach 9th and 10th grade, many of their earlier experiences intensify. How do they look compared to others? How good are their grades, or can they make the teams/theater/performance groups? In early high school, girls often join cliques either in the “in crowd” or the “out crowd.” They tend to identify with a group and then dress like this group. Everyone seems to want the same brands, shops in the same places or listens to the same music. Girls from different backgrounds than the “in group” are often made to feel inferior. While the girls are in these groups, they usually critique other groups, sometimes bullying other groups or individuals. Other times, they become the target of relational aggression (a key girl decides if anyone talks to her target; they will also be rejected).
Girls in later high school tend to focus more on their love interest– do they have a partner to get serious with? Girls are often sexually active at this stage, exploring the boundaries of parents’ rules about curfew, alcohol, or parties. Disappointments or rejections from key friends and romantic interests can send our daughter to bed for a week or overcompensate by finding a different group of friends or completely different activities.
WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER
These disappointments at different ages are, of course, uniquely expressed. Some of my friends’ daughters refuse to talk to their mothers. These mothers (I was often in this situation) usually watch intently, trying to get any information about their daughter and her feelings. This sometimes makes mothers feel so distant from their daughter. Other daughters handle disappointment by sharing everything with their mothers- drawing them into their worlds and telling them about their relationships and troubles. This sometimes makes it hard for mothers to realize that they are not the ones in their daughter’s friend group.
As mothers, these disappointments are so hard to watch. For me, I'd rather have bad things happen to me than to my daughter. I feel her pain too much! As mothers, we see their daughters dealing with disappointments by spending all their time in their rooms, with the door closed, or even picking fights with their parents and family. First, we need to remember (I am telling myself) that feelings of disappointment will not last forever. Your daughter will get through this time and will get a bit stronger, having lived through a challenging experience. Be with your daughter through these times: express concern but confidence. Ask how you can help!
CALL TO ACTION
One of the most common pieces of advice our team gives is to invest time in your daughter each year, each day, for as much time as possible. You might also remember that you will have multiple bonding sessions- our daughters rarely remember all the time we spent with them as kids– we have to build our communication with them as they enter each developmental stage.
Learn about your daughter during carpools.
Ask your daughter’s opinions and ask if she wants your advice.
Go into her world- watch the videos she likes on YouTube and learn about the shows she watches.
Seek experiences you can share together or create some! In middle school, invite a friend. You can get a window into her world as a bystander.
Life happens to us all. It is always better to try to plan for difficulty than to react without knowing the likes and dislikes of your daughter. Before something happens, ask your daughter how you can best support her. Maybe statements like “How should we handle it?” or “How would you like me to react when you get good or bad news?” will help you understand her comfort levels. If your daughter answers with the classic, “I don’t know,” consider giving examples from your life and how you wished your parents responded. Then, consider her opinion. Remember, what makes you feel better is not always what makes your daughter feel better!
One thing is for sure: there are things not to do! Below is a list of cautions:
Be careful taking on your daughter’s problems as your own.
It is easy to act in the extreme. Be careful of your feelings. The natural thing is not always the best thing. Our tendency can be to ignore your daughter when she seems disappointed or talk incessantly about the problem. I received helpful information from a counselor when my daughter applied to college. “Don’t ask her about her applications every day; pick one day a week to focus on them!”
Be careful about getting involved in your daughter’s conflicts or experiences. While her friend’s mom might be your friend, as your daughter ages, she will not want you talking and influencing her through her friends’ mothers.
Don’t ignore warning signs such as differences in eating habits, exercise habits, self-harming behaviors, or total withdrawal from preferred activities- if the feelings of disappointment worry you because they seem too intense or last too long, reach out to a therapist or counselor.
Our daughters need to go through some difficult times so that they grow the muscles to persevere through difficulties. We, as mothers, can be there for our daughters and support them as they deal with the feelings of rejection and disappointment that accompany each stage of development. One of my favorite resources for honing my skills in talking to teens is the classic by Faber & Mazlish: How to Talk so Teens Listen and Listen so that Teens Talk. Remember it is not the event that causes all the problems, it is often how we handle the event that makes a lasting impression.
Click here to check out our podcast about Dealing with Disappointment
