Perspectives on Father–Daughter Relationships
In this episode, Dr. Brown and Dr. Culotta discuss father-daughter relationships and the roles that fathers play from childhood through young adult life. The father-daughter relationship is unique and often serves as a foundation for a daughter‘s future relationships as she grows older. This relationship may provide a model for what she may expect from men and how she will interact with men. A healthy father-daughter relationship contributes to the daughter’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
Multiple Roles
Many times, father-daughter relationships are somewhat more instrumental and may focus on specific elements of their daughter’s life. Fathers may take a greater role in their daughter’s activities, such as sports, academics, and recreation. Through this role, fathers have the opportunity to serve as supportive parents, role models, and mentors, helping daughters develop skills, communication, and a sense of self-confidence.
Dr. Culotta reflected upon his experience with his two daughters in their mid-20s and his clinical practice. Dr. Brown observed and commented upon her husband‘s relationship with their daughter and drew from her clinical practice. Both stress the need for fathers to recognize that they play important and necessary roles in their daughter’s development. Choosing a more peripheral role based on an assumption that their impact is less relevant is a loss for both.
Opportunities in Teen Years
Adolescence can be challenging for fathers and daughters. Interests may diverge, daughters may increasingly value their time with friends, and conflict is likely to be more frequent. As a father, Dr. Culotta observed that it was important for him to recognize a change in his relationship with his daughters during their teen years and to adapt to these changes while still providing support and guidance. During adolescence, daughters may need more privacy. They benefit from room to express their increased independence and opportunities to practice decision-making skills. These changes are anxiety-provoking for all parents and require open communication and a non-judgmental attitude while still setting age-appropriate limits. Fathers may benefit from seeking the right time or teachable moments to shape their evolving relationship with their teen daughters. Over time, families have a way of delegating responsibilities and functions. Some fathers may choose a more peripheral role during adolescence, failing to appreciate their importance and value in creating a sense of security, self-worth, overall trust, and empowerment.
Single Fatherhood
In some cases, as discovered in our interviews with young women, fathers became the primary and sometimes only caretaker for their daughters. In such situations, fathers served not only instrumental roles but also critical sources of emotional support. Not only is dad the primary emotional attachment, but also he is also helping his daughter navigate the absence of her mother. Such unique and challenging situations may benefit from the guidance of a skilled counselor.
Girl 101 for Dads
In preparing fathers for their role as a parent to a daughter, it may be helpful to recognize some fundamental gender differences. Girls tend to develop language skills earlier than boys and are more likely to express their emotions verbally rather than through their behavior. Therefore, listening is important! Little girls may enjoy cooperative play, role-playing games, or nurturing play; in contrast, little boys may prefer competitive or physical play. Girls have slightly better hearing than boys, so they may find a loud voice more threatening or distressing. Finally, when stressed or distraught, girls may be more internalizing in their behavior. Internalizing behavior may be observed as worry, withdrawal, fear, low mood, or complaints of physical pain. Finally, children, regardless of gender, often tell us what we need to know through their behavior. Listen and observe! These differences are by no means absolute, and all children are unique; nevertheless, it is helpful to know some general rules of the road,
7 Tips for Dads of Daughters (Daum, J. 2022, First Things First):
Listen to girls. What are your daughter’s thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and dreams? Do not just focus on how she looks. Make sure she knows she is beautiful and valuable on the inside, too.
Encourage her strength and celebrate her savvy. Help your daughter learn to recognize, resist, and overcome barriers. Help her develop her strengths to achieve her goals.
Respect her uniqueness. Urge her to love her body and discourage dieting. Make sure your daughter knows that you love her for who she is. See her as a whole person capable of doing anything. Treat her and those she loves with respect.
Get physically active with her. Play catch, tag, jump rope, basketball or go for walks. Studies show that physically active girls have fathers who are active with them.
Involve yourself in your daughter’s activities. Volunteer to drive, coach, or host.
Talk to other fathers. There is a lot you can learn from each other.
Help make the world better for girls. One time, while I was walking through the mall with my teenage daughter, I made a point of watching the eyes of the people we passed. It was disturbing. This world holds dangers for our daughters. Overprotection doesn’t work. Make sure your daughter is over-prepared to navigate the world.
While the team at On Her Side is focused on moms raising girls, we highlight the importance of the father-daughter relationship, too. To learn more, click here to listen to Episode 5, where Dr. Brown and Dr. Culotta reflect on practice and personal experiences around this special relationship.
