The Importance of Giving Choice
As our daughters grow, we realize their desires are not always ours. “What do you mean you hate to read?” “Do you really want to quit the piano—I thought you loved music.” Knowing when to “make them do something” and when to let them decide is hard. It is difficult to know when to enforce what you know will benefit our kids in the long run or when to follow your daughter’s lead and let her make a different choice.
It is a biological need to have autonomy- to believe that we have some agency in our lives. All people need to be able to make choices, and we all need to feel like we have some control over our “selves.” Making choices can lead to confidence, resilience, and calmer behavior. As our daughters grow, we must allow them to make choices. Making choices is a process- there are small steps that you can scaffold as your daughter develops. As your daughter grows, you can offer more choices so she can practice and be confident in her decision-making. Babies don’t need choices—we parent them by predicting their needs and then reacting and shaping those needs. However, as our kids get older, they need to feel some autonomy. Toddlers start saying “NO!” to us and begin to try to make their own choices. At this age, we would be in trouble if we asked our kids openly, “What do you want to do?” That is too much for them to handle. What young children need is a choice that is structured choice. We call this a “forced choice”. This is the first step in learning to choose and make decisions. For example, suppose a 5-year-old starts throwing balls in the house, and you do not want this to happen. In that case, you may say, “If you want to throw balls, let’s go outside. We throw balls outside. Do you want to stay inside without a ball OR go outside and throw a ball.” Another example is, “Do you want to eat now OR do you want to eat later?” (you have decided that they will eat- you are giving them a choice or some say so they feel some empowerment).
As our daughters grow, they should practice making small decisions and developing independence. Then, during adolescence, parents need to have rules, discuss the “why” of those rules, and seek buy-in to an issue before it happens. For example, discuss the idea of your family’s curfew with your daughter. What is your preference? What is hers? How can you agree? What happens if the curfew is broken? Talking through a situation and getting buy-in from an adolescent can help set the expectations (of course, in adolescence, our daughter’s job is to push boundaries, so make sure you are prepared for rule-breaking). Sometimes you need to return to the forced-choice option you practiced at a younger age. You may have to say, “You can either come in on time and go out both weekend nights or come in late and only go out for one night. What do you choose?” Another example would be: “Our rule is to participate in an activity after school. You can choose what activity that is.” This collaboration will help with the aftermath of her choices as well.
The art of parenting is figuring out how to encourage autonomy without letting your child do whatever they want, whenever they want. You will strain your relationship if you only have rules and do not allow your children the chance to make decisions. Initially, overly strict parents seem to have it all together- until later, when their child expresses anger at being controlled. On the other hand, you will also skew your relationship if you let your child “rule the roost” or operate without rules or guiding principles. Hearing the word “no” at times is needed. Kids who grow up without hearing “No” or having no rules or expectations are not as resilient and self-sufficient as they could be.
Ways to Support Your Daughter
Do more:
Offer your daughter choices.
Realize that there are stages of choice-making, so you can start with an either/or and then work up to helping your daughter make more significant decisions.
As your daughter ages, discuss your reasoning with them and give them a purpose for your decisions. You do not have to change your reasons when they argue, but know they will remember your “whys”.
Ask yourself why you are enforcing a specific rule and reflect on your own reasoning. Ask yourself why that rule is important to you. This will also help as your daughter argues about it!
For more perspectives on helping our daughters make decisions, listen to Episode 013: Should I Let Her Quit . In this episode, Vince, Lisa, and Margaux discuss the complexity of supporting your daughter when she wants to quit an activity or hobby.
