Ambiguous Loss: Tolerating and Moving Through Uncertainty
Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Pauline Boss pioneered ambiguous loss theory, research, and therapy practices for families and individuals. Ambiguous loss means a person’s absence is unclear. They are missing, either psychologically or physically, and also they are not physically and psychologically dead to all of the family members. The loss lacks definiteness, and cultural practices to mark a death, like a funeral, don’t fit. This leads to confusion about whether the person is in or out of the family, and family members’ statuses, such as married or widowed, are unclear. Grieving is frozen. This stuckness is unique and very stressful!
Dr. Boss coined the term in the 1970s, working with the wives of military pilots missing in action in the Vietnam War; the pilots’ physical absence co-existed with their psychological presence for the wives. For decades, she has worked with surviving family members of natural and man-made disasters like 9/11, families with absent “workaholic” parents, families with a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease or chronic addiction, and newly immigrated individuals who are separated indefinitely from families and their home cultures.
Types of Ambiguous Loss
One type of ambiguous loss is physical absence with psychological presence. In other words, a loved one is gone and at the same time, psychologically alive in the minds of one or more family members. Tragic examples include a kidnapped or missing-in-action family member, and a missing person following a natural (hurricane, earthquake, tsunami) or a man-made (genocide, Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370, 9/11) disaster. Typical examples with limited or no contact include adoption, divorce, or immigration.
A second type of ambiguous loss is psychological absence with physical presence. Here, a loved one is cognitively or emotionally absent from the family. The person is not capable of participating in the family as they once did. Their missing memories of themselves and others are like deaths to relationships with loved ones. This may occur with brain disorders such as Alzheimer’s, dementia, and traumatic brain injury. More examples in chronic mental illness, such as depression and addiction, and conditions that occupy a family member’s mind, like chronic pain or an obsession with a death that doesn’t make sense, like suicide or infant death.
Daughter’s Perspectives When Loss is Ambiguous
Sometimes, our daughters may experience an ambiguous loss when we do not see it the same way. A daughter’s perspective is her reality, no matter how a mother perceives it. A girl may experience the first type of ambiguous loss - physical absence with psychological presence - when a teacher, friend, teammate, or mentor suddenly moves away or leaves their job with no warning. It’s as if they vanished. Experiencing parental separation and divorce is another example of this type of ambiguous loss. Losing the unified nuclear family and reorganizing into two new households may be prolonged and confusing. She may wonder about their family status and ask, “How do I answer a question about my parents being divorced or married?”
A daughter may experience the second type of ambiguous loss - psychological absence with physical presence - when a friendship or romantic relationship suddenly ends in a manner that seems confusing, abrupt, or unnatural. She may feel abandoned, have many “why” questions, wonder what to do, or even blame herself. The person’s absence leaves a gap in a role that the person played in her life; like a fresh wound, the loss is painful over and over again until the daughter fills the gap with others or her own resources.
Normalize Ambivalence
A daughter may feel stuck or frozen waiting for information (that may never come) to move forward. The loss is not resolved, so she cannot grieve; she feels sad, confused, and anxious. Help her name the thoughts and feelings. Help her acknowledge that she may have conflicting feelings and thoughts. For example, when parents are separated, a daughter might wish that the family unit would stay intact; simultaneously, she may also hope the marriage would end to have resolution. It is ok to have mixed feelings; we need to acknowledge and name this for our daughters (and sometimes ourselves).
Finding Mastery
Help your daughter acknowledge that she may never get the information she wants and that she may never really know “why.” Acknowledge that the lack of control over information is difficult and help her begin naming what she can control. For example, in the case of parental separation, she can control when she wakes up and goes to bed, how she chooses to style her hair, and who she sits next to at the lunch table. Being able to exercise control with a degree of certainty is comforting.
Hope
You will know that your daughter tolerates ambiguity and gets unstuck when she expresses statements about things “turning out for the best” or believes that what she wants is possible. You may notice she can laugh about the painful experience and imagine new possibilities for her future. Hope may come from within; it can also come from close relationships, journaling, professional counseling, or support groups. Remember that what you are dealing with now with your daughter is not the end of the story. Your daughter will grow and learn from this experience. Let her work through this and offer your understanding and support- even if she tries to shut you out. Verbalize some of your thoughts and feelings, and see if that might open a conversation. Remember, our daughters may dismiss what we say now, but that does not mean they will ignore our ideas- processing them may take a while.
Listen to Episode 012: Understanding Loss in a Daughter’s World for perspectives on different losses. In this episode, Vince, Lisa, and I explored the losses of friends, teachers, and group members and how these losses may affect our daughters.
