Why Am I So Angry?
In this episode, we explore the emotion and expression of anger. Anger and frustration are common emotions and many times, healthy emotions. We all experience anger, and our daughters often learn to express themselves by watching us. While the experience of anger is common and expected, the recognition of triggers and ways to express anger requires a bit more attention.
SOURCES OF ANGER
Sources of anger may arise from a variety of situations where young girls feel frustrated, fearful, or attacked. They may experience anger as a response to a stressful situation or a sense of shame or embarrassment. Common causes of anger among adolescent girls include the need for greater independence and seeking more freedom from the control of parents or other adults. Issues such as clothing choices, make-up, curfew, and friendships may be a source of friction with parents resulting in frustration. In later years, the issues of contention may have greater importance, such as driving privileges, taking prescribed medicine, high school or college choices, and politics or religion.
Family issues may be a trigger for anger. Parental conflict, divorce, economic stress, or eldercare may create tensions in the home. Young girls may not understand how indirect issues strain their relationship with their parents. Our daughters may feel certain rules are arbitrary, restrictive, or unfair. Sibling relationships are one of the more common sources of stress and frustration for young girls.
Feeling that you've been left out of peer activities, loss of a friend, or bullying may be expressed as anger and may mask a sense of loss, rejection, or depression. Sometimes the sources of anger are simply far beyond our control. For example, during the COVID pandemic, many young girls experienced a sense of isolation, a lack of opportunity to spend time with friends, and an inability to engage in activities or sports that serve as outlets for anger, loss, or frustration. Losing access to the tools helpful in managing anger requires new or alternative strategies.
EXPRESSING ANGER
Expressing anger is different from experiencing the emotion of anger. Above, we mentioned that many girls learn how to express anger by watching their parents or older siblings. Some families suppress anger through withdrawal or silence. In these families, daughters are taught that outwardly expressing anger is inappropriate and should be avoided. Other families may express anger by shouting or swearing, name-calling, and making threats. Unfortunately, some families express and through aggression, isolation, or withdrawal of affection. These strategies are destructive and may lead young girls to internalize anger, which may result in depression, low self-esteem, or dangerous behaviors such as alcohol or drug use, self-harm, or running away.
Recognizing your role in teaching your daughter appropriate ways to express anger is important. We aren’t always perfect as parents. If we have a bad day and lose it, it may be helpful to discuss this with our daughters. Seek to understand how our behavior made them feel, and let them know what we may have done differently.
SIGNS OF ANGER
As adults, we’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing our signs of anger, but this may not be the same for our daughters. Teach your daughter to label her emotions and the signals that her mind or body may be sending her. Mental or cognitive signs of anger may include ruminating about a situation, aggressive thoughts, a sense of shame or embarrassment, sadness, or the need for isolation. Physical signs of anger and frustration may include clenching our fists, an increased heart rate, muscle tension, stomach discomfort, sweating, shaking or shivering, irritability, or overreacting to small stuff.
TRIGGERS
Next, it's important to help young girls recognize triggers for their anger. Some triggers are obvious and shared by many. Other triggers may be specific to the individual’s sense of self, expectations, and personal attitudes and beliefs. Common triggers include a sense of fear, frustration, or shame of feeling misunderstood. Being treated unfairly by others, or experiencing discrimination or bullying, are predictable sources of anger. Preparing for a major life transition may cause stress and anger. Grief or loss may be a trigger for anger. Sadness over the loss of a friendship or family member may be experienced as a mix of depression, anger, and anxiety. Sometimes, low confidence, a sense you’re not good enough, or envy of others may result in anger.
THE BRAIN AND ANGER
It’s helpful to teach young girls about the role of their brains and bodies in experiencing challenging emotions. Our brain signals the experience of anger through our thoughts and bodies. Our brains help us assign importance to an event or stressor, which then drives our reaction. Not sweating the small stuff requires the help of our brain to decide what’s small and what merits more concern. Rapid changes in our feelings may drive changes in our body or conversely, changes in our bodies may drive our labeling of emotions. Excitement and anger may be accompanied by very similar physical changes, such as faster breathing, an increased heart rate, and a surge of energy.
Anger, frustration, and a tendency to overreact to provocation are not unusual in the developing brain. In early adolescence, the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which helps us respond to stress with reason, judgement, and impulse control, is not fully developed. Maturation is often defined by a more measured or tempered reaction to those events or situations that trigger anger. Other areas of the brain, particularly the amygdala, are critical in our expression of emotion. We may feel overwhelmed by a stressor and may feel a lack of control over our responses. Our prefrontal cortex is simply overpowered, and we struggle to respond in a reasoned or controlled manner. This is not unusual in adolescence and can be exacerbated in those young girls experiencing physical issues, mental health issues (i.e., anxiety, depression), or a condition that creates challenges in everyday life such as ADHD or learning differences. Helping our daughters recognize the role of our brains in both processing and responding to emotional triggers is part of maturing and developing positive ways to express aggravation and anger.
GENDER AND ANGER
While our expectations of young girls continue to evolve, elements of our society may still hold rigid or unhealthy expectations for how young girls should express their anger. Subtle and not-so-subtle attitudes may convey the message that young women should avoid expressing or discussing anger, particularly in public. Young women are often signaled that it is more appropriate for them to suppress their anger, avoid speaking out verbally, or suppress expressing anger in a physical manner. While there may be times when it is prudent to suppress anger, over the long run, these strategies may lead to physical symptoms and psychological distress.
WHAT TO DO
If your daughter is experiencing episodes of repeated anger, overreacting to minor provocations, or reacting in a manner that seems out of proportion to the trigger or stressors, it may be useful to talk to her during periods of calm. Help her identify her triggers and consider whether she may need professional help. You may consult with your pediatrician, school counselor, or therapist for support or next steps. Teens may benefit from learning anger management strategies, cognitive-behavioral tools, mindfulness, or relaxation techniques. Exercise, sleep, and a good diet provide a strong foundation for managing the ups and downs of adolescence.
Remember, anger can become a problem when it's regularly expressed in an unhealthy manner and may negatively impact family and peer relationships, self-esteem, academic performance, and physical health. Finally, parents may need help managing chronic anger in their daughters. Counseling techniques such as parenting skills training, cognitive behavioral therapy, solution-focused brief therapy, and family therapy may be helpful in exploring your daughter's anger and promoting healthier management strategies.
ANGER MANAGEMENT FOR TEEN GIRLS:
Recognizing the triggers, warning signs, and consequences of anger
Using coping skills such as deep breathing, journaling, meditation, or relaxing music
Discussing hot topics at calm times and processing anger in healthy ways
Developing meaningful connections, social skills, and self-care habits
Seeking support from parents, guardians, or professionals if needed
Click here to listen to Episode 008: Exploring Anger where Dr. Rice and Dr. Brown discuss their own experiences and observations around the topic of anger.
